The road trip back to sanity.
As I write this in early March I reflect back on what seemed to be one of the longest winters of my life. I’m finding the more confidently I walk on my path, the more I realize it still comes with it’s challenges. I always thought when I aligned myself with my path I would be relatively pain free, and this is true in a sense because I handle my suffering with a calmer and swifter grace. Such as the journey I took this week.
My heart was feeling hollowed out over the last few weeks. I seemed to have everything I needed and wanted. Nothing was out of place. I had time, resources, support, and yet… why the hollow feeling? I felt bored. I felt melancholy and like an absolute ass-hole for complaining or needing to be seen in my slowly spiraling trail to sadness because of the amount of “good” in my life. I was really struggling to connect to gratitude and appreciation for all of the things that were going well. Therefor, more boredom came, more sadness swirled and more and more my heart was feeling like a drum with a hollow beat.
Last Tuesday my husband came by after work to pick me up so we could have tea before picking up our daughter from daycare (see, even that sentence is heavenly, but I totally wasn’t feeling connected to my joy) and I explained how I was feeling. He quickly saw me where I was and understood in the long pauses between sharing my heart. He offered with excitement “Why don’t you get out of town?” And I almost didn’t even consider it. My primal reaction was “That’s impossible.” But instead I took a moment to be vulnerable with myself and accept exploring what it might look like to pack up and leave for a few days.
He smiled, “What would be most exciting for you?”
I paused with uncertainty of where this conversation was going and if this was actually happening…
“I want to see the ocean. I want to just walk along the shore for as long as I need”
And within 40 minutes we had picked up our daughter, packed my laptop and a few sweaters, coconut oil and my toothbrush and started driving east toward South Carolina. The shortest drive from my house to the ocean. It was about a thirteen hour drive each way. And I needed it.
There is something in the air of my life now where I don’t wait. I don’t question and I don’t plan like I use to. As I read this back to myself I realize how much I’ve started to flow with what feels best for my heart, because when that isn’t guiding my direction, my life seems to hit a pause button and I wander around with no purpose or efficiency.
So I started driving, even though I cried until I got to Kentucky. Even though I considered turning around as I passed through Tennessee. I kept driving east, my manta “I will know what I am doing soon.”
I stopped at a rest stop and woke up at dawn in the Smokey Mountains. I started to drive through the fog and it felt like a dream. I was still pinching myself that I just left my toddler and husband for an undecided amount of time to go for a walk by the ocean. I was also soothing the terrified part of myself that was shitting all over this idea… “When people find out you did this they are going to think you’ve really gone nuts. The whole Modern Priestess thing has been one thing, but this is an entirely different thing. Seriously… your sanity is going to be in question. It’s going to be a whole lotta fun explaining this one…” and on and on she went. All the while I was shushing myself like a newborn, rocking back and forth in the drivers seat headed towards the sunrise.
For the first half of the trip I put on the audio book “A Course In Miracles” that has been sitting on my phone for a few months. A voice came in to “Seriously… shut this off” and I did. I knew I needed to be more present with my thoughts and feelings and that book is insanely dense. A wave of my own innocence washed over me as I felt the relief of not needing to listen to that today.
Moments after I saw a deer on a hill and acknowledged the presence of Diana, an unseen higher being who has been holding me closely the past week. Her connection to deer is very special, so I immediately felt her with me. The deer even looked to have a shiver down it’s spine as I drove by and I smiled for the first time on the drive.
Then I heard Diana speak: “Whew, so glad that audio book is finally off. Turn on Joni Mitchell”
I laughed, did my first dialogue with Diana just include her asking me to now listen to Joni Mitchell? I had heard her name before but never listened to her music… so her greatest hits album was quickly found on Spotify and her voice soothed me through the pink and blue mist in the mountains. I was starting to feel like maybe this was a good idea.
By that afternoon I arrived in Charleston, checked in to a hotel and walked to the boardwalk. I still felt uneasy and now very far from home. I checked in and went for a much needed walk. I attending to some work and tried to check in with my guidance.
Isis suggested I was here to remember I was an initiate of the lineage of the Priestesses of Sirius. Being by the ocean would help me remember what that meant. I accepted this information… emotionless. Honestly this didn’t make me feel any better. I still feel weird. I still feel like this is not worth my time, these galactic imitations are starting to stretch me beyond what feels comfortable and normal to any experience I can relate to others. A year ago I would have felt honored and in awe of such a download to receive, now I felt exhausted and unsure of the path I was walking. My mind was not pleased. My heart was quiet.
Grateful to be alone and with a fireplace in my room by my bed, I cozied up to the warm luxury of silence and slept well.
I woke up very early and knew I had a long day ahead of me. I was feeling that my time by the ocean would be brief because I didn’t want to pay for more than one night’s stay at a hotel and was really missing my family. I felt a rush of urgency to get on with the day and really figure out why I came here. I cleaned up and looked exactly like a woman who just drove across the country to find herself might. No bra, wrapped in two scarfs and gas station sunglasses with my laptop cord hanging out of my bag, I was starting to find this messy version of myself really endearing and funny.
I did my best to work from my failing laptop all morning. I usually have no problems with technology, but today everything seemed to be stopping me. The internet wouldn’t connect and when it would it was unstable, then files weren’t uploading, everything was simply failing. I had so much anxiety about letting my clients and students down. I finally took a breath and surrendered to the calling of why I came here. I got in my car and drove to the beach and reminded myself to listen to divine timing. Trust.
I finally had arrived. A day and a half of driving, traveling and testing my energy and insanity for this walk up to the entrance to the beach. I grabbed only my keys, locked the door and walked up a hill where the ocean would be waiting for me on the other side.
When I reached the sand and saw the waves a quarter mile ahead I started crying. And not just crying, but sobbing.. like, barely able to stand up kind of crying. I went back to the car. I did this two more times. I decided my previous definition of sanity is definitely not something I’m even going to attempt to live up to at this point. Finally, I went to the car, left my shoes and changed into sweat pants, and felt like I could calmly return and go for an easy and soothing walk.
I gently took my time and played in the sand with my toes. I slowly walked up to the water, the waves getting louder and louder as I got closer. The beat of the water crashing still was bringing tears to my eyes. Off to my right I spotted dolphins swimming and totally lost my shit. Every fear I was carrying within me was being sucked out of me into the ocean. Maybe she was the only one who could carry it all. She reminded me who I was, and even in her unfathomable hugeness and depth, we are the same.
I started walking and the dolphins followed. About a half mile down I turned back around and saw eventually changed directions and started swimming in the direction I was walking. To my amazement they continued to come closer and closer to the shore. I nodded to Isis in understanding the Syrian healing they carried. I accepted with gratitude, knowing I didn’t need to really understand what was happening, simply accept and receive it.
Within an hour I was completely calm and serene. I was strangely ready to go home. The reality of the amount of time I needed to drive home hit me and I felt a rush of excitement to get back home. The dolphins had gone by then and I felt it to be a sign that I could leave too. I left offerings on the beach and spent some time in gratitude, blessing the water, the sand, the air and all of the guides who helped me arrive exactly when I needed to.
On my drive home I was victorious. I felt calm and ready for my journey ahead. My heart felt full and strong. My head was clear and my spirit was soaring. I ate bananas and made voice memos almost the whole drive home. I was back.
Very late that night, after thirteen hours in the car and a major lightening storm announcing my arrival home, I crawled in to bed with my husband. And we slept in peace.